Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Irate? Kill a pirate.

First, it's no wonder people claim the English language is one of the more difficult to learn. How come irate and pirate don't rhyme? There must be some rule about the word beginning with a consonant?

Anyway, I recently read about the latest in vacation entertainment. Sign me up! For $5000, a Russian luxury yacht company is offering a "pirate hunting cruise". I'm not making this up. The ship will sail through the pirate infested waters off Somalia at a "deliberately slow speed in the hopes of attracting pirates". For an additional $17.50 per day, vacationers will be issued an AK-47 and 100 rounds of ammunition. Former special forces troops will sail along as a security measure.

Now, if one chooses pirate as an occupation I suppose certain risks must be accepted as well. But I'm having a hard time seeing this as good clean entertainment. Part of me is appalled. But to be honest, part of me is quite intrigued by the prospect of feeding a pirate a hot lead sandwich. Must be all the John Wayne movies in my youth. Maybe I should just stuff that appalled part of me while I consider the business opportunities provided by this concept?

1- The Ghetto Safari. Participants are issued .357 Magnums, shoulder holsters, and baggy coats. They are then individually guided through high crime areas after being coached on how to look vulnerable. Hopefully, a willing mugger will put himself in a position where it is relatively easy to blow his brains out.

2- Cruisin' For A Car Jacker. In this scenario, a remotely controlled box will be placed in the back seat of a luxury sedan. You then try to hit every red light in an area noted for car jackings. When that 9 mm auto is shoved in your face and you are asked to abandon your vehicle you will do so willingly, knowing that as the perp is pulling away, you will be pushing a button on your remote control, releasing a four foot diamondback rattlesnake within the confines of the vehicle. What a hoot!

3- Rapist trapping. Women are given a sealed vial of highly concentrated hydrochloric acid and released into Manhattan's Central Park at 2:00 AM. Hopefully a rapist will appear and happily begin to give his would be victim the business. Appearing resolved to take what's coming to her, she will break the seal on the vial and pour it's contents on the wiley rapists naked back. The ensuing scene can only be described as modern interpretive dance.

4- Burglar Snares. Drop down murals depicting stores of precious gems and metals are installed in ground level rooms of your home. At night, after opening a window, you retire in the hopes that a hapless burlar will enter the room, only to discover the ruse. Before he can exit or do any damage out of anger, the windows and doors snap shut and a lethal dose of chlorine gas gets pumped into the room. Imagine the expression on his face!

5- Home Invasion Booby Traps. The impact of kicking in a front door triggers a blast from three concealed shotguns giving the the perps a lethal "Dick Cheney Facial" (Big Dick needs to collect royalties on this one.)

OK out there. Put on your thinking caps! What other ideas can you come up with for this one? Put them in the comments below and they will be published in a future post.


Common Sense

No comments:

Post a Comment