Friday, June 26, 2009

A Public Service Announcement

Today I'm going to offer up a little self help test that each and every one of you can do. Don't thank me... I live to serve.....

So, here's the deal. The next time you are driving on the freeway look to your right. If the cars to your right are going as fast or faster than you, well, I'm sorry to say, you may be an asshole. Let's take it a step further. Are there any cars in front of you? If the answer is no, I'm afraid it isn't looking good. Now, look in your rear view mirror. Are there cars behind you? If the answer is yes, guess what? You are in fact an asshole.

Now, I know what you are thinking (if you're an asshole). You're thinking "hey! I'm doing the speed limit! You need to back off Common Sense"! Well, you are wrong. If I park my shopping cart in the middle of the aisle at the supermarket. Am I breaking any laws? Are there signs posted that say "Do NOT park your cart in the middle of the aisle". Am I within my "rights" to do this? Of course I am. But if you are coming down the aisle and I decide I'm not going to move out of your way until I'm done due to the reasons listed above, what does that make me? You got it... an asshole.

If I'm walking through an aiport with three friends and luggage. And we spread out abreast and decide to walk really slowly, have we broken the law? Are we within our "rights"? Why, yes we are. But if there are angry travelers behind us trying to make their connecting flights, what does that make us? Right again, a PACK of assholes.

Have you ever been in line at the store, and someone at the register has decided they are going to get rid of ALL their change while they pay their bill. You stand in line and wait, watching this person go through all their pockets and count out their change, dollar by dollar, cent by cent... The line is growing longer. You are wishing someone would open another register. But that doesn't happen. The guy's bill is large, and he's obviously got a lot of change. Are you thinking "How cute! This guy want's to pay with pennies!"? Of course not. You're thinking "what an asshole!"

Now, a word about speed limits. Yes, I know the posted speed limit is the maximum speed you are supposed to drive. Yes I know that if you exceed this speed limit you are technically breaking the law. And yes, I am fully aware that if you are doing the speed limit and there are people behind you you aren't really doing anything wrong. But, being an asshole doesn't have anything to do with man's laws. Have you ever been pulled over for doing two, three, or even four miles per hour over the speed limit? Of course not (and I don't want to hear from the one or two percent of you who claim to have been ticketed for being a mile over the speed limit. First of all, I don't believe you. Second of all, it's a major exception even if true. So save it). This isn't about the rule of law, this is about common courtesy. This is about you not being the police, just another driver. For all you know that guy behind you might be trying to get a kid to the hospital. May be ill and trying to get themself to the hospital. Maybe they are just late for an important appointment. Probably, they just like driving fast. It really doesn't matter. What matters is when you insist on this annoying adherance to the letter of the law, you are making a substantial contribution to the phenomenon of road rage. You are also at risk for being pulled from your car and throttled by someone like me who has little, if any tolerance for assholes.

Now all this goes out the window in crowded residential areas and school zones. If you go too fast through these, the roles are reversed. The guy doing the speed limit (or one, two, maybe 3 miles per hour over the limit) is being safe and the guy speeding is the asshole. But out there on the freeway, or even busy thoroughfares, do your best to not be an asshole.

Let's briefly talk about the car pool lane. Some of you obviously are not aware of this, but the carpool lanes were put into effect to encourage people to carpool. No surprises there. But what was the motivation to carpool supposed to be? Well, it was supposed to be that if you carpooled you could use that carpool lane and have an ADVANTAGE over those that don't. You wouldn't necessarily be hindered (or AS hindered) by the flow of traffic as those that chose to drive alone. So, if you are in the carpool lane and the people to your right are going as fast, or faster than you, you have transcended being an asshole. You have just become a major fucking asshole.

In closing, I beg you all to take this test and heed the result. If you insist on driving the speed limit or below MOVE YOUR ANNOYING ASS OVER TO THE RIGHT LANE. If someone there is slower than you, you can then move left to pass them but get back to the right when you are done. Trust me, the world will be a much better place.


Common Sense


  1. I totally agree, this is the one area where the Europeans have it all over use the left lane to PASS, otherwise stay to the right, an anti-car missile mounted on the roof would be a great accessory.

  2. My Tax dollars are worth as much as the guy tailgating me in the left lane. We both "own the road" As long as I am not going below the posted speed limit then I am not moving for anyone other than an emergency vehicle. Why should I expend any energy/effort/thought for the person who wants to go 80? Why is it MY responsibility to cater to the person behind me? How and why are their needs greater than mine? I got on the road first(obviously) I'm first in line and they want to speed ahead, let THEM expend the effort and energy to get ahead of everyone.(if they cant get around me maybe this is a lesson in powerlessness that will serve them well in life) Also if they are not worried about the legality of speeding I am sure they are NOT to worried about the legality of passing on the right!, so I am an asshole...oh dear, whatever shall I do?!

  3. Well, I'm afraid you are in fact an asshole. Did you read the part about the shopping cart? The airport? These are both very valid analogies. This isn't about your right to do the speed limit in the fast lane. It's about common courtesy. Your whining, selfish, self serving attitude will hopefully get your ass kicked in the very near future.